5 Months…

…closer to being parents of the child God has for us. hand-5

It is a weird thing to not have any plans for the next 18 years, but that is exactly what we have been dealing with since last month’s failed adoption. We had completely cleared our calendars of most responsibilities, travel, and projects with exception to the family wedding that we planned to introduce our child to all our Sireci family.   One day we were going to be parents…and the next day we weren’t.   One day I had 12 weeks of maternity leave ahead of me…and then next day, I was figuring out what work would look like for me. One day we thought that God was saying it was our turn…and the next day He told us that now isn’t our time.

That being said, all things considered, we took this failed adoption pretty well. I was less sad and more questioning what God really has planned for me after practically quitting my job in preparation to be home.   This loss was nothing like the loss of Little One or Norah Maye.   I think we just found ourselves wondering what to do with all the momentum we had build up toward our lives changing forever, and then finding that our lives were just the same.

So relatively speaking, this past month didn’t bring much change at all.   Weekends come and they go, we appreciate the rest, but generally find that we just wish we had a child to hang out with and love. We have continued our busy lifestyles with work and play and church and community and family. We continue to be so grateful for all those people waiting and praying with us. We praise and serve a Great God in spite of the fact that we often wonder why he leads us down paths that just don’t seem to make sense. He is still so good and quite honestly, I can’t imagine going through life without His sustaining power!

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This coming week we celebrate our Norah Maye’s 1st Birthday. I miss her terribly, and although tears still come sometimes, generally I think of her and I am so grateful! I realize more and more the vessel she was to bring me closer to the Lord. I am different today because God put her in my life and so we celebrate her birth because of the miracle she was and the ministry she had.

And so we look ahead with excitement and anticipation to what the coming months will bring. Waiting on the Lord to say, “IT’S GO TIME!” We told our social worker that we just want to know when the baby is ready for us. We don’t need any warning, because we are READY! And when I say ready I mean car seats are installed, formula and diapers are bought, bottles and baby clothes are washed, nursery is completed, diaper bag is packed kind of ready.   Give us an hour and we will be on our way!

 

 

Month #2

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The crib is here, the car seat is here, the rocking chair is here, the baby is….not here. Folks, the waiting continues and that is about all I have to update on. But can I tell you some things that I am thankful for in this wait?

  1. I am so thankful for the friends and family waiting with us. I love being asked about how the adoption is going because I love that we aren’t waiting alone. I love that there are people all over the world waiting for this baby with us!
  2. I am thankful that the finances for this adoption are completely provided. We don’t need to worry about how the bills will get paid when the baby comes, we will just get to enjoy being parents!
  3. I am thankful that I was given the tidbit of wisdom early on that we aren’t waiting on a birth mom or on our social worker to call us, we are waiting on God and his timing.
  4. I am thankful for hobbies, work (as much as I am sick of it), for friends/family, and for vacations that distract and entertain.
  5. I am thankful that although these two months of officially waiting have been long, they have brought us 2 months closer to meeting our baby!

Y’all, God is up to something really good…and I have no doubt He will clue us in when He thinks we need to know more. Until then, wait with us! And if you want, you can share our online profile site…the more exposure the better!

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On the day you were to arrive…

To my sweet Norah Maye on the day you were to arrive,

I’ve been thinking so much about you the last week or so. Thinking of what life would be life if these last 6 or so months had gone differently. Thinking of what it would be like if I had a swollen belly full of life and what exactly this day would be life if you were to arrive today as originally planned. I’ve been thinking of how prepared your daddy and I would be. All the classes would have been taken. I would have practiced my breathing and Jonathan would feel more confident changing a diaper. Your nursery would be complete with a fresh coat of paint and linens ready to smell of brand new baby. Our freezer would be full of meals, so we could spend all our time doting on you. And Langlee wouldn’t know what was about to hit her, but I imagine her soon falling in love and protecting you like her most prized bone. Oh if today could go as I had dreamed it would just 9 months ago, how frightened and joyful I would be.

Instead, I spend the day thinking about you, missing you, and wishing just for a moment that life were so so different right now. I will be making special Norah Maye forget me not cupcakes today. Just to remember you and celebrate the life that you did have in my womb. To celebrate the impact you made on my life. The cupcakes are also to celebrate where God has brought me the last several months. He hasn’t left my side, Norah Maye…much like I’m sure you haven’t left His.

Baby Girl, it is hard to put words to the work our God has done in me. So many days as I have journaled, I have been amazed and lacking ways to explain and describe the joy and hope He has put back into my life. I don’t understand it, but I am overwhelmed with gratitude! I saw a friend in church a couple weeks ago who took me by the shoulders and said, “you have your sparkle back!” I was touched and knew that it wasn’t my doing. It couldn’t be. Our God is our healer Norah Maye…He healed you, and He has healed me!

Healing doesn’t mean I don’t miss you…missing you has just become a part of life. But missing you doesn’t feel like it used to 4 months ago. The pain doesn’t ache like it used to. But my mind still gravitates toward thoughts of you at the most random times. Those thoughts don’t usually bring tears anymore, mostly they bring me joy and hope. Joy because I get to be your mom forever…no matter what! And hope because I am confident that God still has some great plans for your family here on earth!

Norah Maye, like the children’s book that I bought in honor of you today says..

“I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
As long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.” – Robert Munsch

Love, Your Mommy

To My Norah on the week of Thanksgiving

Precious Norah,

Happy Thanksgiving Sweet One! I’ve been thinking about you so much lately. If you were still here and growing you would surely be making me uncomfortable as I would be 30 weeks pregnant. Oh how I wish I was experiencing that discomfort! I see women due with babies at the same time you were to arrive and I look at them with envy and wonder how it would feel when you kick or get the hiccups. I won’t know…but I have something those moms don’t have. I have complete assurance that my baby gets to spend eternity with Jesus. They can only pray for that right now. I’m grateful for that assurance.IMG_3118
We are in Virginia for Thanksgiving. It was hard leaving Arkansas. I felt like I was leaving you behind. It is the first family event/holiday that I really feel like I am missing part of my family. I really wonder what life would be like if you were still here and healthy. We probably wouldn’t be in VA because travel would be kinda risky at this point. I would gladly chose time with you over a trip to VA. Even though family time is such a blessing.
We went to the beach today…the ocean always makes me feel so small. I thought of you and wrote your name in the sand as I imagined what your view of that ocean may be…your view from Jesus’ lap. Breathtaking I am sure!
I’m thankful for you Sweet Norah. The thought of being thankful is different for me this year. Losing you just a little over two months ago it seems like it would be hard to be thankful but God has made me thankful in a new way. I’m thankful for your life, the experience of carrying you and needing to depend on God in a way I hadn’t before. I’m thankful for your little life and the impact it had on Jonathan and I, for the lessons I have learned this year about the IMG_3095miracle of life. I am thankful for healing, both yours and mine. He healed you perfectly and I have and still am experiencing His perfect healing from the grief that left me raw and vulnerable. He is our healer and I like the thought that we have both experienced it.
Norah Maye you are such a blessing to me and it is because of the God who gave you your perfect life that I can be thankful this year.
Sweet One, you will be with me this Thanksgiving, if only in my heart!

Love for always and always,
Your Mommy

Healing…

I’ve been thinking about healing lately. I’ve been thinking about what it looks like and timelines of “normal” healing. I’ve been thinking about life, how it has changed, what happens now, and what contentment looks like while longing for Heaven.

I have had some pretty great weeks to be completely honest. It almost feels weird to admit that…it seems too soon for great weeks. Our Norah Maye has been gone for 7 weeks just yesterday and while I carry her with me always, my life after Norah is coming together…which I believe is entirely a God’s grace thing. I have been able to make conscious efforts to jump start my life again and it has honestly been a pleasure. I walked out the door the other day and thought to myself, “How lucky am I to work doing what I always dreamed I would be doing!” It was such a sweet moment of recognizing that despite hard times, God’s grace is so abundant! But it isn’t just the big things like my job…it is the little things like laughing until my tummy hurts, singing on the worship team again, remembering and talking about Norah without tears sometimes, bottomless cups of coffee, fall colors all around me…isn’t it all God’s grace? What a blessing!

It has been 7  weeks which seems like just a short time ago, but I feel like I have grown leaps and bounds. I feel like healing is happening…has happened. I can say so much more confidently that God is good. Grief is hard but it is a beautiful journey if you decide that despite grief, within grief, and because of grief God can work in you.  He has been good and I feel like I have done this grief thing well.

I sang in my car today…not just sweet little singing, it was all out at the top of my lung singing with the music cranked up so loud I was a little nervous the speakers would break.  It felt great!   I sang the lyrics, “You’re a good good Father…it’s who You are…it’s who You are…it’s who You are….And I’m loved my You…it’s who I am…it’s who I am…it’s who I am!”  I sang it and I believed it and it was wonderful!

I’m so grateful for what God is doing today…and I know that days like today could quite easily be followed by days when grief bites hard.  But the hard days can be made a little easier when days like today happen too!

 

Not Just a Distraction…

The house has been quiet this week…sooooo quiet.  The last three weeks we have been completely blessed by our family.  On D-day my parents just happened to be coming down for two weeks with us.  And then after they left, my mother-in-law came to spend a week with us.  And when she flew home, Grandma and Grandpa Lukaschek joined us for a weekend.  What a blessing!

Parents in town!

Parents in town!

Let me just tell you, those first weeks were hard, but the presence of family really helped to soften the blow of the news!  We had people to process with, to talk through plans and worries and fears, to cry with.  We had people to distract us at times from the reality of our life. But more than that, we had people to be joyful with, to create good memories with, to smile through the tears with, to laugh with.

When we had told our family about Wiggles we often got the question, “How can we help?”  And almost without hesitation I said, “You can come hang out with us.”

Mother-in-law in town!

Mother-in-law in town!

And when I said this, it wasn’t just because I want/ed company, it was because I want people to experience life with Wiggles.  I want Wiggles to be around our friends and family.  I want pictures with family…with Wiggles.  And I want these months, which could so easily be filled with sorrow and grief to also be full of joy, good memories, laughter, family, community, and fellowship.  I want Wiggles to know…as much as possible…just how loved he/she is.

Grandparents in town!

Grandparents in town!

I so wish we could travel to others…to give Wiggles some awesome experiences away from home.  But we just can’t.  The risk of leaving home and miscarriage or pre-term labor happening is just to high. So we will stay put and host company…We already have a few more visitors and fun events on the calendar!

So, yes, the house has been quiet this week. And yes, it has been hard at times.  But it has also been refreshing.  I have started listening to worship music again, it brought me to tears at first but has gotten so much easier and necessary.  I have taken quiet walks with just me, Langlee, and Wiggles.  I have prayed more. I have given great thought to how to attach to Wiggles in a way that is meaningful, which has given me renewed perspective on this pregnancy experience.  I had a great talk with a great friend that was so good for my soul.  I have worked.  I have snuggled with my husband and I am anxiously anticipating a Friday date night!  …All this and it is only Wednesday!

God is good…and I am thankful for days when I can really see and feel how true that is!

5 Ways to Cope with Disappointment

A Christmas with no significant other, empty arms where a child was “supposed to be,” loss of a loved one, job, or the little disappointments that can come daily…sometimes several times a day.  Haven’t we all faced disaIMG_3759ppointments, often times more than we feel like we should.

 

I’m preaching to myself this morning…let me just be real for a second here.  Disappointment, in the past…and I am fighting it presently, sends me into a tail spin (think…tears, chocolate, sitting in the same spot for hours staring into space, or just staying in bed).  I have faced it this year more that I wish I had…and I like to think that I have gotten better at handling it.  In reality, I don’t know that that is entirely true.  But in the midst of this year, I have created a list of things that seem to help.

1. Prayer: Often times, for me, this praying consists of questions.  I can’t help it.  When I don’t understand why something happened I want to know why.  I want to know what His plan is…Why He thinks that bringing me though something painful would bring Him more glory.  Praying isn’t always easy when we are going through trying times.  There was a time this year when I couldn’t do it.  My disappointment was so big that I didn’t even know what to say to God.  It is during times when you feel you can’t pray, that asking your community to pray for you can help you keep your head above the water.  Personally, I know it was my community praying on my behalf that kept me persevering.  God is always good…He is always there…Always waiting for you…Always ready to embrace you and sit with you in your disappointment.  And in time…In His time…He will give you insight into your trial.

2. Create a toolkit: In a little journal I have collected scriptures, song lyrics, helpful quotations from bloggers and authors that have made a huge difference.  I add to this journal every time I see read something or hear a song that gives me hope, makes me feel like I’m not alone, and reminds me of God’s power and love.  Sometimes I copy what friends or family have written to me in cards or emails.  And when disappointment comes…like it always does…I go to this journal and drown myself in hope and encouragement that has helped me during trying times in the past.  I recommend getting a toolkit (either digital or a journal)!  It has been a blessing to me!

3. Connect with your community: Not all people can handle sitting with you in your disappointment and sorrow.  Not all people, know how to say the right things.  I often think finding friends to talk to can be one of the hardest things to do when I am disappointed.  I think most of us are smart and insightful enough to comfort ourselves with all the cliche anecdotes…if those things helped we probably wouldn’t need to go to friends and we could recover by ourselves…am I right?  Pick your community carefully.  Those who can sit with you…sometimes in silence, and sometimes just with a listening ear.  This friend or family member doesn’t need to fix it, and maybe they need to be reminded of that…they just need to be with you in your broken heart.  And hugs are the best!

4. Don’t dispair, rest, and when you are ready, work again: Has being hard on yourself ever helped you cope with disappointment?  Why not be kind to yourself?  Take time to breathe, gather yourself, take a walk, relax, drink an extra cup of coffee and have some chocolate.  It is ok!  And when you are ready, and life seems doable again…even just a little…do it.  Keep doing life, keep living to give God the glory…you have to keep living to see how God is going to work all this out for good. right?  Find something to pour yourself into and thrive in it.  Because despite the disappointment…if you are still on this earth, God still has work for you to do!

5. Practice Gratitude: This isn’t easy…it is hard to be sad and think of positive things at the same time.  It takes some time to get to the point of being able to do it successfully I think.  But it is possible.  Look around you and thank God for His faithfulness in the past and how He will be faithful even in your disappointment.  Despite your situation, God has placed innumerable blessings in your life…joy is found when we see the blessings for what they are…gifts from God.

Being joyful isn’t what makes your grateful, Being grateful is what makes you joyful. – Ann Voskamp

 

Haste Makes Waste

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It is in these moments….these still moments. I let myself sit…rest…coffee in hand and the perfect worship playing on iTunes Radio. These moments are God given…this afternoon, I sit after a long long week of work and a long morning of cleaning. I sit and enjoy THIS! This moment…a gift!

It is crazy to me…I don’t know if crazy is the right word for it..can we call God’s movement or God’s working crazy? I just looked it up…and I decided that there has got to be a better word. I’m just going to call it what it is…a blessing…

IMG_3650It is a blessing to me that God gives us what we need right when we need it…sometime He makes it so obvious that we can’t miss it. I think in this day and age, in America, we need to be smacked over the head by God….in a way that we really can’t explain away.

Well this week, there has been a theme to my short moments of peace. I have gotten the opportunity to read in Ann Voskamp’s “One Thousand Gifts: Devotional” and every single day… In the midst of my week chaos, I read about peace, being still, finding God’s grace in ordinary, slowing the hurry of life….and giving God more of the time…the time that ironically was made by Him in the first place.

Calm. Haste makes waste. Life is not an emergency. Life is brief and it is fleeting, but it is not an emergency. – Ann Voskamp

I also love how she relates life to dessert! I am one who savers dessert. Even small pieces of chocolate, I take small bites of and make it last as long as possible. Why is it so hard for us to experience life like I experience dessert. And then she says this…

Time is not running out. This day is not a sieve, losing time. With each passing minute, each passing year, there’s this deepening awareness that I am filling, gaining time. We stand on the brink of eternity. – Ann Voskamp

Hmmm, this being still…this living life like it is sweet chocolate…this seeing God’s grace everywhere…this creating white space…ok God, I think I am starting to get the hint!

A Chat with My Savior…

Here we go…I’m back after a break…That 31 day challenge left me exhausted…thus the break!  But it also left me so excited to continue blogging.  I don’t care about followers or viewer at this point.  I just wanna write when I feel like writing and maybe some of my posts will hit home to others…so here is another candid post from the mind of Meghan…

This week is crazy!  I didn’t really think it would be as crazy as it already has been…and I have only lived through Monday so far!  NUTS!  I didn’t really think that when I sat on the bed with the dog before my shower that I would be breathing in my last moments of peace before the day started.  It is days like today, when deep breathes are few and far between….my heart feels like someone is literally gripping it….I have to make a conscious effort to slow my mind down, send up a short prayer, and take a deep breathe.

I took a random trip across town for in impromptu dentist visit and it was in those moments when I finally took the time to think, and I prayed…out loud…just talked to God.  I don’t do that often…my husband says he does it almost every day…but I tend to journal my thoughts instead of share them out loud.  Anyway…something about that time with the Lord calmed my spirit and gave me a renewed perspective of my week and my blessings.

This time with the Lord…in the midst of my crazy day…was the first time in a while that I was able to really thank God for what He has been doing in my life lately.  Things I have been praying about for months…they are just happening…naturally…so naturally that I have forgotten to give credit where it is due.  Like for instance, I have been praying for peace with getting pregnant…letting it be totally a thing of God and not something that I think about all the time like I have been in past months.  And this month I have had more peace about our family growth than I have in maybe over a year.   I think one reason why is because God has made me more busy at work…That was part of the prayer…that if I can’t be a mom now, I at least want to be a busy therapist.  God has provided clients for me…kiddos for me to help, to talk to, to laugh with, and empathize with.  Maybe these kids are supposed to be my pride and joy right now….

maybe God is giving me peace about my physical family growth because He needs me to help other families grow emotionally…

And so I am grateful…So so grateful!  I know…I know He is so good!  I know He is the provider of joy!  And so, my goal for this crazy, nutso week is to…

Find joy in being totally grateful for where He has put me and the things He has put on my to do list!