On the day you were to arrive…

To my sweet Norah Maye on the day you were to arrive,

I’ve been thinking so much about you the last week or so. Thinking of what life would be life if these last 6 or so months had gone differently. Thinking of what it would be like if I had a swollen belly full of life and what exactly this day would be life if you were to arrive today as originally planned. I’ve been thinking of how prepared your daddy and I would be. All the classes would have been taken. I would have practiced my breathing and Jonathan would feel more confident changing a diaper. Your nursery would be complete with a fresh coat of paint and linens ready to smell of brand new baby. Our freezer would be full of meals, so we could spend all our time doting on you. And Langlee wouldn’t know what was about to hit her, but I imagine her soon falling in love and protecting you like her most prized bone. Oh if today could go as I had dreamed it would just 9 months ago, how frightened and joyful I would be.

Instead, I spend the day thinking about you, missing you, and wishing just for a moment that life were so so different right now. I will be making special Norah Maye forget me not cupcakes today. Just to remember you and celebrate the life that you did have in my womb. To celebrate the impact you made on my life. The cupcakes are also to celebrate where God has brought me the last several months. He hasn’t left my side, Norah Maye…much like I’m sure you haven’t left His.

Baby Girl, it is hard to put words to the work our God has done in me. So many days as I have journaled, I have been amazed and lacking ways to explain and describe the joy and hope He has put back into my life. I don’t understand it, but I am overwhelmed with gratitude! I saw a friend in church a couple weeks ago who took me by the shoulders and said, “you have your sparkle back!” I was touched and knew that it wasn’t my doing. It couldn’t be. Our God is our healer Norah Maye…He healed you, and He has healed me!

Healing doesn’t mean I don’t miss you…missing you has just become a part of life. But missing you doesn’t feel like it used to 4 months ago. The pain doesn’t ache like it used to. But my mind still gravitates toward thoughts of you at the most random times. Those thoughts don’t usually bring tears anymore, mostly they bring me joy and hope. Joy because I get to be your mom forever…no matter what! And hope because I am confident that God still has some great plans for your family here on earth!

Norah Maye, like the children’s book that I bought in honor of you today says..

“I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
As long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.” – Robert Munsch

Love, Your Mommy

Haste Makes Waste

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It is in these moments….these still moments. I let myself sit…rest…coffee in hand and the perfect worship playing on iTunes Radio. These moments are God given…this afternoon, I sit after a long long week of work and a long morning of cleaning. I sit and enjoy THIS! This moment…a gift!

It is crazy to me…I don’t know if crazy is the right word for it..can we call God’s movement or God’s working crazy? I just looked it up…and I decided that there has got to be a better word. I’m just going to call it what it is…a blessing…

IMG_3650It is a blessing to me that God gives us what we need right when we need it…sometime He makes it so obvious that we can’t miss it. I think in this day and age, in America, we need to be smacked over the head by God….in a way that we really can’t explain away.

Well this week, there has been a theme to my short moments of peace. I have gotten the opportunity to read in Ann Voskamp’s “One Thousand Gifts: Devotional” and every single day… In the midst of my week chaos, I read about peace, being still, finding God’s grace in ordinary, slowing the hurry of life….and giving God more of the time…the time that ironically was made by Him in the first place.

Calm. Haste makes waste. Life is not an emergency. Life is brief and it is fleeting, but it is not an emergency. – Ann Voskamp

I also love how she relates life to dessert! I am one who savers dessert. Even small pieces of chocolate, I take small bites of and make it last as long as possible. Why is it so hard for us to experience life like I experience dessert. And then she says this…

Time is not running out. This day is not a sieve, losing time. With each passing minute, each passing year, there’s this deepening awareness that I am filling, gaining time. We stand on the brink of eternity. – Ann Voskamp

Hmmm, this being still…this living life like it is sweet chocolate…this seeing God’s grace everywhere…this creating white space…ok God, I think I am starting to get the hint!