I haven’t a doubt that God is on this journey with me…As I was praying/journaling the other day He was teaching me a valuable lesson that I still have yet to fully grasp. Below is an excerpt from my journal…
September 5, 2015: As the appointments on the 9th and 14th get closer I find myself getting more anxious and wanting to cherish each moment with Norah all the more. I’m afraid to let her go! She has been with me almost 18 weeks already and I find myself wondering how I will move on if I have to say goodbye. My heart hurts just thinking about it. Lord, I pray so often for you to form her brain. Maybe you are just taking extra time on it to make it all the more special. That is what I tell myself just for some comfort in this wait. I absolutely believe you can work a miracle. I would be the woman in the crowd who would touch your cloak just for a chance at healing (Luke 8:43-48). I believe you can do this. I believe and yet I don’t want to get my hopes up, so the minute I think you will I bring myself back down to reality and the possibility that you won’t. As I read to Norah this morning about the promise you gave Sarah and Abraham, I find myself jealous of the promise (Genesis 18). I so wish that your promise to me was that we could keep Norah here with us and healthy, yet you haven’t promised us that at all. You promise instead..
- You have plans for me…for my good (Jeremiah 29:11)
- You will give me rest (Matthew 11:28-29)
- You give me strength when I am weak (Isaiah 40:29-31)
- You take care of me and will supply my needs (Philippians 4:19)
- Nothing can separate me from Your love (Romans 8:37-39)
- You give me peace (Proverbs 1:33)
- You save me from our sin (Romans 10:9)
- You give me eternal life (Romans 6:23)
Where in this list is a promise to keep Norah? It isn’t there, yet I realize there is a lot there for me. Lord, help me to lean on the promises you DO have of me, even when I feel like they don’t supply me with all I need, because I need my baby…I feel I need my Norah.
Teach me to be resigned to thy will, to delight in thy law, to have no will but thine, to believe that everything thou doest is for my good.
Help me to leave my concerns in they hands, for thou has power over evil, and bringest from it an infinite progression of good, until they purposes are fulfilled…
…May I not instruct thee in my troubles, but glorify thee in my trials; Grant me a distinct advance in the divine life; May I reach a higher platform, leave the mists of doubt and fear in the valley, and climb to the hill-tops of eternal security in Christ by simply believing he cannot lie, or turn from his purpose.
Give me the confidence I ought to have in him who is worthy to be praised, and who is blessed for evermore.
– The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions (Arthur Bennet)