The wait is real, and sometimes quite heavy. I write for myself, Meghan, for this update. The wait is much different for me than it is for Jonathan. Maybe that is why we are in this together. Jonathan lives very much in the moment. He prays for our child daily, yet his connection to him/her hasn’t hit his heart like it has hit mine. I feel the weight of the wait daily. If I am not thinking about this baby that will someday be ours, the thought isn’t far from my mind.
I felt the weight of the wait right after our social worker left our house after the last home visit. It was the same weight that I felt when Jonathan left on his deployments….knowing he would be back, but knowing that the days would be so long and it would seem like eternity until the reunion happened. The weight goes straight to the heart…the kind of weight that grabs my heart and squeezes so tight that sometimes it is hard to breathe.
I was talking to the Lord as I drove home from church today. I was asking Him how to do this wait. The intensity ebbs and flows sometimes on a minute by minute basis. Today, it seemed like He told me, “Maybe you are told the wait could be longer than a year…or you got news that your profile book is being shown to a expectant mom…or you hear of being matched….it doesn’t matter. Until that baby is in your arms my time for you hasn’t come. My answer is still ‘not yet because I have other things for you to do.’”
And so we wait, and work, and pray, and live because much like the last 37 days and maybe like the few hundred days ahead, the Lord is saying “not yet.”