On the day you were to arrive…

To my sweet Norah Maye on the day you were to arrive,

I’ve been thinking so much about you the last week or so. Thinking of what life would be life if these last 6 or so months had gone differently. Thinking of what it would be like if I had a swollen belly full of life and what exactly this day would be life if you were to arrive today as originally planned. I’ve been thinking of how prepared your daddy and I would be. All the classes would have been taken. I would have practiced my breathing and Jonathan would feel more confident changing a diaper. Your nursery would be complete with a fresh coat of paint and linens ready to smell of brand new baby. Our freezer would be full of meals, so we could spend all our time doting on you. And Langlee wouldn’t know what was about to hit her, but I imagine her soon falling in love and protecting you like her most prized bone. Oh if today could go as I had dreamed it would just 9 months ago, how frightened and joyful I would be.

Instead, I spend the day thinking about you, missing you, and wishing just for a moment that life were so so different right now. I will be making special Norah Maye forget me not cupcakes today. Just to remember you and celebrate the life that you did have in my womb. To celebrate the impact you made on my life. The cupcakes are also to celebrate where God has brought me the last several months. He hasn’t left my side, Norah Maye…much like I’m sure you haven’t left His.

Baby Girl, it is hard to put words to the work our God has done in me. So many days as I have journaled, I have been amazed and lacking ways to explain and describe the joy and hope He has put back into my life. I don’t understand it, but I am overwhelmed with gratitude! I saw a friend in church a couple weeks ago who took me by the shoulders and said, “you have your sparkle back!” I was touched and knew that it wasn’t my doing. It couldn’t be. Our God is our healer Norah Maye…He healed you, and He has healed me!

Healing doesn’t mean I don’t miss you…missing you has just become a part of life. But missing you doesn’t feel like it used to 4 months ago. The pain doesn’t ache like it used to. But my mind still gravitates toward thoughts of you at the most random times. Those thoughts don’t usually bring tears anymore, mostly they bring me joy and hope. Joy because I get to be your mom forever…no matter what! And hope because I am confident that God still has some great plans for your family here on earth!

Norah Maye, like the children’s book that I bought in honor of you today says..

“I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
As long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.” – Robert Munsch

Love, Your Mommy

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4 thoughts on “On the day you were to arrive…

  1. Moves me to tears…Thankful you are experiencing God’s healing and finding hope for the future, in spite of missing your precious daughter. (Who is presently THRIVING herself, in heaven.)

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  2. Such a nice letter. You’re a great mom! Renee gave us the book you quoted from. I hope to see your sparkle soon. In the meantime, spread it all over that husbandnephew of yours. –Steve

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