Today is just a heavy day. If we rated days on a spectrum of Awesome Awesome to in the Depths of Despair, a heavy day would be a little closer to the depths but not close enough that tears are present. My heart just feels physically heavy on days like today, for no particular reason at all, or maybe for several reasons that I can’t quite put my finger on.
I have a lot on my mind today, thinking about all I am learning, how I have changed and how life is different. I’m thinking about the human condition and just how painful it is. I’m thinking about those like myself who are in pain, but for reasons different or the same as me. I read an email update the other day about a sweet lady in my church who was diagnosed with cancer not long ago and treatment isn’t working. I wept for her…I wept for myself…and I wept for so many others who are suffering and I prayed and journaled asking God why…Why does life have to be so painful? I have written Norah many emails lately, I think all of them have mentioned just how painful life is here on earth and my jealousy of her painless life with Jesus. I know this pain all started in the Garden of Eden and God is working to reconcile us all to Himself, but does that knowledge really make the pain seem less…I don’t think so. For the first time in my life I would be completely ok if Jesus came back and took me home. That being said, here I am, trying my hardest to thrive in the present, loving my husband and living out the assignment God has for me here. This is just what I have been thinking about.
I was asked the other day how I was “coping.” It is a good question for someone grieving I think. Because somedays we aren’t doing anything but “coping.” Sometimes asking a grieving person how they are doing implies that you think they need to be doing something…sometimes it doesn’t…I just think being asked how I was coping validated my grief in a meaningful way and I appreciated that.
I am “coping” pretty good I think…most days. I went a couple weeks dreading work and coming home completely emotionally exhausted at masking my own feelings to help others process their own. It is hard work! Then one day it changed and going to work wasn’t quite so painful and it was a little more of a blessing to live out my earthly passion. God has given me strength in that. I have hard days…like depths of despair days when tears come and don’t stop. And when I don’t have days like that, I often have moments or hours like that. Sometimes I just want to cry and feel better after I do. I have two playlist on my phone that have been getting a lot of action. One is called “Norah Maye” and it is full of songs that make me cry and think of my baby girl. I love it! The other is called “Broken” and has worship songs that I get comfort from that have the general theme of being broken but praising anyway. I often try to listen to “Norah Maye” and then try to change my perspective by listening to “Broken.” Sometimes it works.
We have gotten some sweet gifts and cards from friends and family thinking about Norah and wanting to comfort us. I’m grateful for each one for several reasons, the biggest one being that they validate that she was here. Talking to another grieving mother today we discussed how sometimes we like to talk about our babies and sometimes it is too hard….we can’t really predict how we will respond which makes it even harder for anyone else to predict how we will respond when our babies are brought up. I think for the most part I like it. I like hearing her name said by others. I like if they want to know about her. I think one of the best questions to ask if you are ok with seeing tears is “What was she like?” or “Tell me about her.” If you are ok with sitting with me and maybe seeing me cry or maybe not and asking me about her I can tell you that I will almost undeniably talk about her with pride and love every minute of it, tears or no tears. (Other grieving moms may not feel the same way.)
“Norah Maye” Playlist
- Glory Baby – Watermark
- World Spins Madly On – The Weepies
- Small Bump – Ed Sheeran
- I Will Carry You – Selah
- Gone to Soon – Simple Plan
- Still – Gerrit Hofsink
- It is Well – Bethel Music
- Even When it Hurts – Hillsong United
- Oceans – Hillsong United
- Though You Slay Me – Shane and Shane
- Let it be Jesus – Christy Nockels
- Touch the Sky – Hillsong United