An Email To Norah

I send my Norah emails…I got her her own email addresses so I can send her letters whenever I want.  I just like being able to hit the send button and having the letter disappear.   We are one month in to life with out her and it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance/Awareness Day…so I wrote her a note.

Hi Baby Girl,

One month. It is so hard to believe that one month has passed since the day that I will forever hold dear and the day I want to remember every part of forever. I want to remember the pain…every minute of it. I want to remember what it was like to carry you in my womb. I want to remember my belly growing and every symptom that made my time with you so special. I want to remember our quiet moments together reading, me telling you about the world, rocking with Langlee, reading with your daddy, and just loving you. I want to remember looking at you in the mirror and how proud I was of you. I am so so proud of you. I don’t think that will ever change. You have changed me and I know you have changed others too. I want to remember holding you and kissing your sweet body. I want to remember what you felt like and how beautiful your little body was. I can only imagine how perfect and beautiful your little soul is. I can’t wait to see who you are and your personality.

It is a strange thought that I will never hear you cry. I will never see you in pain. I will never see you struggle. What a blessing and at the same time, how I would love to comfort you when you cry and struggle. I wish I could take care of you and love you here on earth, but it makes me happy to know that you had life without struggle and with only peace. What an experience that must be.

Since you left I am afraid of pain and suffering. I can’t seem to get over that fear right now. I guess I’m jealous of you and the life without pain that you had. Pain scares me…and anticipation of the next painful thing is scary. Your daddy keeps telling me that it isn’t about not worrying as much as it is about choosing to trust God more. He says I can’t just stop my worry and fear and not replace it with something. I guess I still have a lot of work to do on myself. It is hard…this life…it is full of pain and sorrow and suffering. Baby Girl I so wish you were here, but that is totally selfish because you are in a so much better place. You will not experience pain, what a wonderful thing!

I miss you so much Norah Maye! I miss everything about you! There are things I wish I would have done differently when you were here. I wish I would have loved you better by letting myself love you completely right away. I wish I wouldn’t have been so bitter when we found out about your sad diagnosis. I wish I would have always loved being your mom. I wish I would have read to you more. I wish I would have figured out how to love you completely and at the same time give you completely to Jesus. I’m not sure if that is possible, I want to try, maybe, if another sibling enters the world.

I wish for a lot of things, but I am proud with how I did some things too. I am glad I did spend special time with you. I’m happy that you heard me sing (not much at the end, but I did it a lot at the beginning), I’m glad I had symptoms that I didn’t complain much about because I always knew they were signs of you. I’m so so glad we decided to keep you as long as we could. That may be the best decision me and your daddy have ever made. I’m glad I read to you, I learned so much from that and gained perspective on Bible passages that I didn’t have before. I’m so glad we went on walks together and I talked to you about my day on my commute home. I love that you came to work with me everyday.

Norah Maye, you are my biggest blessing. I miss you so much my heart hurts all the time. I don’t cry as much now, but when I do the tears flow freely. I love you more than words can express and I am so proud to be your mommy!

I love you forever baby girl!

Mommy

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