Tear Triggers

Grief. It is ugly and painful. It hurts down to the soul and leaves me wondering if there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And tear triggers, those things that you experience, see, try to avoid, and dread are terrible and EVERYWHERE!

It has been 5 days already since I said goodbye to my sweet Norah.  And my list of tear triggers and hard things keeps getting longer.  And for the sake of my husband mostly, those I may encounter in the coming weeks, and those going through similar experiences here is a list of hard things/tear triggers…

  1. Coming home/being home with empty arms
  2. Going to a funeral home to pick up the ashes of my baby
  3. Picking out an urn for those said ashes
  4. Talking about my Norah
  5. Not talking about my Norah
  6. Going anywhere knowing you have this huge secret that isn’t a secret that no one knows you went through
  7. Being alone
  8. Collecting all our Norah things from around the house
  9. Experiencing my body recovering like Norah never happened
  10. Looking at myself in the mirror and not seeing evidence of her
  11. Journaling without hope for my baby
  12. Driving by the hospital
  13. First non pregnancy grocery list
  14. Eating healthy…eating at all
  15. Cooking
  16. Cleaning
  17. Sleeping
  18. Getting up in the morning
  19. Doing almost anything productive
  20. Others grieving with me
  21. Others not grieving with me
  22. Being a therapist
  23. Singing
  24. Listening to music
  25. Going to church
  26. Walking by any baby section or display
  27. Seeing pregnancy announcements
  28. Seeing pregnant women
  29. Still getting emails from baby apps
  30. Hospital and medical bills
  31. Not feeling judged by people for my grief
  32. The thought of going back to work

That is a long and overwhelming list…and each of those things I will need to face and then conquer.  It is intimidating.  I find myself completely lost thinking about this list along with all the other things that I will face in the coming days/weeks/months.  I don’t know what life is supposed to look like “After Norah” and yet I have to figure it out…somehow.  One day at a time…actually one minute as a time.  Lord, I can’t do this alone!

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3 thoughts on “Tear Triggers

  1. Oh how I wish there were something I could say to alleviate even a little of your grief! Praying for you. Begging God to give you even a glimmer of sunshine for your heart! Much love to you two and the family!

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  2. Dear Megan,
    Your comments are so moving, I wish the compassion i feel for you were tangible for you. Grief is a very familiar companion. I wish I had had the transparency you have when grief visited my door. This will take a long time before the pain subsides my dear. I just want to lovingly say that we don’t always conquer all of our grief. and that is okay. Jesus is the light shining in the darkness when hopes are dashed, tears seem to consume us and the night seems never ending. He doesn’t sleep, He is always there to hold us tightly, to be the ever present One who knows exactly how we are feeling. He remembers that we are made of dust when we are frail, vulnerable, especially when tragedy has found our doorstep. He becomes everything.
    It has been 50 years since my mother died, and I still have a few triggers. Be patient with yourself and with your grief. The dawn will come in its own time. Give yourself the gift of patience and understanding as you heal. Minister the love of Jesus even to yourself.. Don’t pressure yourself to have victory over this very real and huge loss. You may always have tender feelings when the triggers occur. but God will minister His most tender compassion to others through you to win glory for Himself. He will use you one day to comfort those with similar stories.. And that is a comfort in itself, to minister to the brokenhearted and the suffering. As for me, Jesus Himself has climbed into the pit of my darkest despair to be my companion and showed me the way out. I couldn’t have survived without Him.
    I continue to pray for you my dear.
    Love,
    Dianne

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  3. You are never alone, darling girl. Your sweet Norah existed, she was real, she was here. You will always grieve for her. Someday you will tell your children about their beloved sister. Many prayers being lifted up for you

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