This week has been harder than the last. I’m not sure why that is. I have had at least three nights when tears came and didn’t go till I was sound asleep. Sometimes fear caused tears…sometimes anger…sometimes hopeless love for my daughter. Lately it has come between 9:30 and 10:15. I know I’m tired then, which is probably a trigger all in itself. Whatever the case, sometimes the tears come and can’t be contained. I think fear is the emotion that tends to grab ahold of me most frequently.
Since the beginning of this pregnancy and especially now I have realized just how much courage is required to carry a child…and then how much courage is needed to carry a child with a fatal diagnosis. Having one baby already in heaven made me fearful from the beginning of this pregnancy. The fear was overwhelming, I think mainly because I haven’t had a “normal” pregnancy experience to gain confidence from. I remember praying “Lord, can we keep him please!” Like a child would ask a father to keep a puppy. Since the beginning, joy had been an emotion that I have to fight for…yet I can be overcome by anxiety and fear effortlessly.
Early on this song became my anthem. I would drive home from choir practice on Wednesdays and sing at the top of my lungs with tears streaming down my face. Lately I can’t even sing it because tears flow freely. It is the reminder, the prayer, the promise that gets me every time.
I think in the midst of this, I just need the reminder that He isn’t my enemy. He isn’t out to get me. He has a plan and purpose for this journey that is better than my own…even if it really doesn’t seem that way. It seems more like I am traveling along sometimes, like I am out in the craziness of the waves by myself. But He has pulled me out into the waves, and His grace meets me there, and His love crashes over me wave after wave.
“YOU MAKE ME BRAVE! You call me out beyond the shore into the waves.” I can’t do this without Him…without His strength. I couldn’t live each day and get out of bed to do what He has set before me if He didn’t lay the path for me to walk and surround it with the strength and courage I need. I have never thought of myself as a brave person…I worry too much. But living each day of this journey, I have no other choice but to be brave.