Complete Dread!

I can be fine…even joyful one minute, then in a mess of tears the next.  People say that is normal when going through something so “hard.”  But it stinks!  It stinks…A LOT!

I had a good day today. I made it through church with tears only during worship.  (Singing is a very emotional thing for me and it seems every song is speaking to me and our Wiggles journey.)  The afternoon was just fine, I had some good reading time, reading the book “Turn My Mourning into Dancing” by Henri Nouwen and journaling.  I took a much needed nap.  It was just good…peaceful.

Then all of a sudden, complete and utter dread overwhelms my mind and heart.  It is a weight almost too heavy to bear.  The next weeks and months hold the anticipation and dread of what could be the hardest and most painful day in my life.  I remember so vividly the heart pain after losing Little One (our first child who is with Jesus).  My heart/chest hurt with such deep pain…I remember it like it was yesterday.  And now I dread a pain that has the potential to be exponentially worse that what I have all ready experience from losing a child.

I hate that this has to happen to me.  I hate that God chose us for this journey.  I hate that yes people will be impacted by this…but it is at such a great cost to me and my family.  I hate that if God isn’t going to physically heal Wiggles, he won’t be able to help me avoid the pain that I feel and will feel more and more as days go on.  I hate that as each day goes by I get one day closer to giving my baby to Jesus.  I hate that I don’t get to decorate a nursery, buy cute baby clothes, and do many other things expectant moms do to prepare to bring a baby home.  I hate that instead I am thinking about how I will remember this baby forever and grieve with empty arms.  I hate this!  Oh, how I want this cup to pass from me!

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears. – Kahlil Gibran


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