In the beginning, there was nothing.

Nothing to hear.  Nothing to feel. Nothing to see.

Only emptiness.  And darkness.  And…nothing but nothing.

But God was there.  And God had a wonderful Plan.

“I’ll take this emptiness,” God said, “and I’ll fill it up!  Out of the darkness, I’m going to make light!  And out of nothing, I’m going to make…EVERYTHING!”

(The Jesus Storybook Bible: Every story whispers his name, by Sally Lloyd-Jones)

A1iNqHXNZULIs it weird that reading this I think of my womb? I think of the nothing that was there and how God create something…He create Wiggles.   He has a plan…He filled my womb…Wiggles’ heart started beating spontaneously because He decided it should.

We got a Bible for Wiggles this week.  We read to Wiggles for the first time last night.  It was both the best and the hardest thing I have done so far in this pregnancy.  Attachment to Wiggles…well really to anything you know you will have to say goodbye to is so hard, but so necessary.  The last thing I want to feel when this is all over is regret that I didn’t love this child with everything I had.  And because this attachment process is so painful, it has to be all the more intentional for me I think.   I want Wiggles to know that he/she has always been loved and wanted and I want nothing more than for Wiggles to experience only goodness and love in the life that he/she has.

I got a note from a good friend of mine after she heard the news of Wiggles.  She is a labor and delivery nurse at the hospital that we will be going to when the time comes.  She is the biggest blessing to me and has eased so many fears and given so much comfort.  Her perspective is beautiful and something I will hold onto…possibly forever. She wrote this…

I know this sounds crazy and heartless, but there is always a small sense of joy for a baby that has passed. Since conception, it has never felt anything but warmth and love from its mother. It has lived in the calming motion of the mothers day to day activities and listened to her heartbeat and voice. It has been peaceful bliss since day one. I believe that when babies are still in the womb, that they are still connected to Heaven in a way and can enjoy God’s comfort during that time. It has never had to feel the harshness of the world in any way. And when the baby does pass away, God is there, and has been there, waiting to take him or her up to Heaven where it is absolutely perfect. Never will the baby have to experience anything but love and perfection with God. Can you imagine? Whenever this happens, as crazy as it sounds, I always feel Gods presence in the room. Although it breaks us on earth, that is such a beautiful thing. If Wiggles gets to meet the world, I know that he/she will be so blessed to have your guiding hand. Two people couldn’t be more amazing to take care of a special needs child! I can tell you that I know 100% that God didn’t make a mistake giving Wiggles to you. Wiggles is so utterly and completely loved by the best parents that he/she could ask for! Know that you are doing the work of God and I am so proud of you!

And now that tears are rolling down my face and the snot is getting a little out of control, I will go about my Saturday as a mother carrying a miracle and creation of God.



2 thoughts on “Attachment

  1. As a mother who has a child who went to heaven early, this letter from your friend brought me to tears and even after all these years, I felt a sense of relief and joy. Thank you for sharing this.


  2. My mom, Debbie Rosell, directed me here. Thanks so much for sharing your vulnerable, aching heart and the simultaneous strength and joy you’re finding in our God. Through our own struggles with a special needs child we’ve witnessed divine miracles, sobbed for hours, face-on-the-floor, and can affirm without a doubt that though we don’t understand, He is good. If you ever need a listening ear, I’m game! I know we’re going through very different situations, but the mother’s ache is the same.


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