“Wait”

We had a general OB appointment this morning…and to be honest I have quit being hopeful about these kinds of appointments.  I haven’t had a “normal” pregnancy appointment ever, and I don’t expect that I ever will.   That being said, it seems weird that this appointment was probably as “normal” as it will get for me.

These last few days I have really tried to come to terms with the fact that this whole thing could be over before it really even starts.   The statistics of a live birth of my baby don’t look good.  In fact…

“It is estimated that HPE affects between 1 in 5,000-10,000 live births. Since many pregnancies with a fetus diagnosed with HPE end in miscarriage, the frequency of HPE among all pregnancies may be as high as 1 in 200-250. Current studies indicate that only 3% of all fetuses with HPE survive to delivery and the vast majority of these infants do not survive past the first six months of life.” – http://familiesforhope.org/what-is-hpe/

HPE = Holoprosencephaly

Those are depressing statistics…but then I think, what in the world do statistics mean to me?  I was the one who just a little over a year ago had a partial molar pregnancy. You probably don’t even know what that is…thats because they happen in less than 1 in 1,000 pregnancies.  So statistics haven’t worked in my favor yet…will they ever??

The appointment itself was uneventful today.  Our little Wiggles is still wiggling and has a strong 150bpm heart beat!  We had a good talk with the doctor about what things look like moving forward, and to sum it all up in one word… “wait.”  Wait and see how long this baby is going to remain here on earth.  Wait for what seems like an inevitable miscarriage.  Wait to see if we get to 20 weeks when more testing can be done and more plans can be made should pre-term labor happen.  And so that is just what we will do.  We also found out that the genetic blood test I took two weeks ago came back “inconclusive” because they didn’t have enough blood…GRRRR!  So I was poked again, something I am getting quite used to.

The doctor pushed terminating the pregnancy again…twice.  It took me being very firm and using hand motions to emphasize my point that that will NOT be happening!  We will fight for this baby’s life…because it is still a life that God has created!  And I honestly can’t even imagine making a conscious decision to just end things without giving God a full opportunity to do HIS thing.

So how am I doing today?  I’m frustrated.  I’m frustrated that we will wait and in the end the result will still not be what I want it to be.  I’m frustrated that I can’t DO anything to change or fix this situation.  I’m frustrated that the doctor thinks termination is a good idea.  I’m frustrated that the blood test I took two weeks ago came back “inconclusive” because there wasn’t enough blood.  I’m frustrated with God that He has chosen me for this assignment.  I feel like a teacher called on me to answer a question and my head was down trying not to make eye contact.  Don’t pick me Lord…I don’t know what I am doing!

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